What Do You Ache For?

WritingEvery day, we experience deep desires, the kind that constantly tug at your soul. The longing.

I know its there. We all have them.

I remember the pain I felt the second my eyes would open each morning. My only desires at that time were to be pain free and to walk without limping.

Ohhh, but my deep ache was really to go to the beach, to swim freely in the ocean.   I couldn’t dream much more than that.  Chronic illness takes over and shreds those desires and longing into tiny, unrecognizable pieces. Then it becomes forgotten. Lost.

Lupus has a way of doing that.

My specialist at the time confirmed that my life as I  knew it was over.  Those lazy days at the beach were no more. Sorry.

What she knew for sure was that a kidney transplant was in store for me. I heard those words and so did my body. I quickly sank into a helpless mess.  My mind raced ahead to my future: countless appointments, dialysis, blood draws and being on “the list.”

I couldn’t think about my deep desires or my fantasies of a full, outrageous life.  It was about survival.

Then the sadness turned to anger. I was pissed. I felt as if my body had turned on itself, attacking every single organ.

That anger slowly turned to motivation.

Once I saw firsthand the benefits that foods had on my body, I knew I could prove her wrong.

As my body began to heal on so many levels, my desires were simple. Walk for 10 minutes. Go up a short flight of stairs. My bigger ones were to go back to the gym or yoga.

Every single muscle in my body had atrophied, or lost muscle tone. So rebuilding was going to take time.

I was also intimidated by the gym. Not only was there lingering pain, I had no strength and was so out of shape that I would easily become short of breath. It literally took me 2 years to even walk into a gym or run in the park.

But I did. It certainly wasn’t easy, but the fight in me was- and is – so strong.

And now?

4.22.14 - Picture 1Now, I go to hot yoga most mornings and run on the treadmill.

Better still, I ponder my desires daily. I visualize and feel them. The pain is no longer a factor in my life.

I know firsthand that it’s so easy to fall into feeling defeated and worn down and worn out.  There are days that an extra hour of sleep is what I need the most. Another day, I really want a warm gluten free brownie with chocolate gelato on top.

Then there are those juicy, gorgeously huge, soul-calling desires. Monumental ones. We all have them. Daydream about them.

Journal. Sit in nature or in a quiet space in your home, sip some chai tea and let it bubble up to the surface.

I know it’s in there. Your consciousness couldn’t create it in your mind if it weren’t possible.

Here Are a Few of my Deep Desires

  • Plan a magical wedding ceremony this fall
  • Lose the 10 lbs I gained this winter
  • Publish my book about lupus (monumental!)
  • Create more easy recipes that help others heal
  • Have more time to read and enjoy slow weekends
  • Explore the city with my fiancé
  • Take more baths with candles and salt scrubs
  • Host a retreat for women with lupus in a beautiful setting
  • Camping out under the stars this summer
  • Reach more women worldwide and teach them how I thrive despite lupus.

I Bow to You

So wherever you are today, I bow to you. I bow to your courage, your fierceness. You have a power that you may not know exists, but it does.  It’s in there. Harness it. Ride it.  You can overcome anything.

So I want to know your juiciest dreams.  Tell me everything. Share a few with me. Let’s celebrate them. Create them. Live them. Breathe them. Now is the time.

Celebrating you,